What I’ve been meaning to say all along is that I am sorry

not to anyone but myself
Who I have willingly sacrificed for the good of the world.

I am sorry
not for saying no
But for always saying yes
Until it stunk like it was sour
and tasted like it was stale.

What I have been trying to say is that I am first.
That I have my own skin and breath
And that is for a reason.

I have been saying that I am no mistake.
That I am the dictionary to my own sweet soul.
The key to turn my own lock.
The golden ticket to hear the song of myself.

And what I have been tired of, is the doing.
The choking that it is to put on the performance me.
The constant noise that buzzes through my brain.
The clapping that comes after the exhaustion.

What I have to say is that I am sorry to myself
and to no one else.
For filling my cup last when my body had become a desert.
Putting all my smiles on other faces.
Squeezing into shoes that I knew were too tight.

And what I wonder is who I have been looking to
in order to turn away from myself.
What I have been thinking
to wait this long to have my cake and eat it too.
Where I have been hiding
to avoid contact with my own eyes
Why I have survived on less
when I am the master of making more.

And now I say it is time to come home.
Feel my hair frizz up
and thank God that I’ve been blessed
Write until even my finger nails become wise.
Look at myself until I can see it.
Say thank you one million times.
Read every book on the shelf.
Revisit my glory.
Hug myself at night and whisper I am proud.
Forgive the sin of the forgetting.
Take my final curtain call.
Silence the crowds.
And let myself say
what it is I have been saying.