I don’t know what to do when I get here.

To this place I keep repeating. Playing so loud in my mind and then screaming over. So instead I’ve just been quiet. Watching what plays out before me. Cheating my way to peace. Sipping down my coffee and closing my eyes when its bitter. I’ve been hiding, I think, behind this grand gesture that it is to love myself. Turning the page so fast that I forget to read the words. Rushing to find the parts that are not so pretty.

I think I have spent too long leaving rooms. Keeping still and not touching the things that I’m told are not meant to be mine. Wishing myself away. Finding the yes man inside me. Blasting his theme song out into the world.

I’ve been writing and rewriting my to-do lists. Crossing things out until they match up to what’s expected of me. Highlighting the big stuff. Deleting the fine print that is myself. Anything to put on a show. Dance for the people. Then catch my breath.

I’m tired of the people who crucify me when I open my mouth. Of the broken promises and the watching from the wall. Of The blind eyes and bitter truth. The unscreamed sentences resting heavy in my heart. The polite sounds that mark my breath. The patterns of doing until there is nothing left to be done.

Why is it that we pretend our world does not revolve around who we are? That we sit tight and wait for the ok? Suffer long and hard before asking for the things we need? Forget to secure our own oxygen masks then turn blue?

And what if before we drink down the dirty we demand to taste the sweet? What if before we hit rock bottom we raise our hands to question why the only way back up is by clawing our way there?

I’ve decided it’s time to blow up our lives now. Time to cleanse out all of the curses. Boil the broth down to the beautiful. Refuse everything but our own selves. Put the puzzle pieces back together different.

It’s time to be free now. From the needing the rest of the world before needing ourselves. From the shaming ourselves into perfection. From the outrunning. From the solitude that it is to be on your own in this world.

Now it is time keep our eyes on the prize. To find the joy it is to breathe in our own bodies. Walk with a vengence. Get as much as we give. Find the easy way out. Gut ourselves with our own glory. Be still. Just Be. And go in peace.